Quantumology, to be precise, is first of all a belief. I find it more useful to specify that it is a belief and recognize that it is still far from a perfect representation of the universe...but it is a very useful one for predicting action.
Gravitology, correspondingly, is a belief that all reality works like macroscopic and ballistic objects of our intuition and common experience, gravity action. There is no role for matter amplitude and phase as far as gravitology is concerned. Gravity action has also been very successful in many predictions but it is clear that these two theorets are fundamentally incompatible as you so rightly point out.
I agree that there will be a fundamental reset needed for a quantum gravity to emerge and there are ways out of this box. Note that photons do have momentum, just no rest mass, but motion is one of those things that is a gimme...so maybe it is we who are moving at the speed of light and photons are really standing still. Photons would then get their momentum from us and exist as the static points of the universe.
Truly understanding space is the key to the conundrum of gravity action. Space, it would seem, it just not what it seems and science is in a perpetual flummox with the Gordian knot of spacetime.
Quantum gravity will be all about matter exchange just like quantum charge is all about matter exchange. While the hope is for a graviton particle of some sort to carry gravity force, gravity force could be due to the exchange of large numbers of photon pairs and so gravity force could be due to the same photon bonding of charge. But coherent pairs of photons mean that gravity is a neutral force with spin = 2.
The heat of gravitational collapse is often thought of as the result of gravity compression of matter. What if it were the other way around? What if the integral of the heat emitted as photons from gravitational compression, an energy, resulted in the differential of energy that we call gravity force?
Just as you suggest, it is clear that what we experience is some kind of an average reality, but that experience only exists in our Cartesian mind. We as objects are embedded in a relational universe of objects and we exchange matter amplitude and phase with those objects. Quantum action provides us a glimpse of that underlying reality and improves predictions of the futures of objects, but our intuition locks us into certain limitations of the machine of our consciousness.