Dear John,
When you said "one day I just had this great yawning sense that any such essence would be so far beyond any reality I could comprehend, it left me disoriented and I couldn't shake it. I thought you were saying that you thought God was so beyond your comprehension and disconnected from your reality that you felt disconnected or distant from him in your relationship with him and that was somehow different from how you felt before that time. I may have misinterpreted that, however.
You are right I do have some basic boxes that separate some from others, but they are not boxes that I created. They are the boxes that God created. As an example, God has set up the choices we must make and the things we must do to become members of his body and be joined to him to have the close relationship with him where he shows us what he is doing and helps us to do likewise to please him and so we can actively grow in our knowledge of him and what he is doing in this world and why he is doing it that brings us into agreement with him as we more and more see his love and care for us, so we then learn how to love him and others also and have a desire to help others to also get that relationship. God explains these boxes in the scriptures (Holy Bible New Testament). As an example, no one can come to God the Father except by his son Jesus Christ and to be saved (become a member of God's body) it is necessary to receive and believe in Christ (Must believe that The Father sent him into the world to die for us so that we could have our sins forgiven and be reconciled and restored to a good relationship with God and that he did die for us and was buried and later resurrected as a witness to us that God the Father actually sent him and that he has the power to also raise us up and he was then received up to God to dwell with him until his enemies are brought down to earth.) (Must repent from our sins and ask God to forgive them and believe that they are forgiven.) (Must receive him as our Lord and Savior and believe that his words are actually God the Father's words that he gave through his son Jesus Christ.), etc.
God is the one who is the true center of all things because he made all things and existed before all other things. He does, however, tell us about his body, so he does put us in the center of the conversation in some places in the scriptures. I can't claim to be very important among the members of his body. I am sure that many others have been given more important positions in the body than I will likely have. So far it seems that I mostly get the hard cases to deal with, but that may be because I was one of them. If I have a ministry it is to those in the scientific community because of the information that God has given to me in that area, but a large percentage of that community is currently devoted atheists or those who believe that they are God or will somehow evolve to be God, etc. For the most part very few have even understood and accepted any of the scientific information that has been presented, which could result in great advancements for man and these things are very much based on observations that could be checked out. All that is necessary is to develop the math to support it. How much harder would it be to convince those who have committed much of their lives to developing quantum physics based theories and evolution based concepts to explain creation and the development of living creatures, etc. that God exists and made all things. So I am not likely to be one of those who convert thousands to God in a day or anything like that. If I work for many years and only one is saved by all that labor, I would consider it time well spent, however. Of course, I would like to believe that many will see and receive and believe and be saved and also that the scientific principles that are presented will be received and put to use by man in the right way so as to make life better for all those who are still living here in this world. In the long run it is up to God how he uses me in those respects and others, however. I have come to the conclusion that the work that God gives us to do, such as teaching the Gospel to others, is as much if not more for our learning and growth as it is for those who are taught by us. After all, God could certainly do a better job of it himself, if he desired to do so. He often uses our interactions with others to show us things about him and his works. As an example, in my conversation with you I mentioned that my parents were divorced and I also talked about how important it is to God that his body be perfect (lacking nothing), but I didn't tell you that the reason that my parents got divorced was mostly due to money problems. My father worked switching cars for the railroad and made good money at it. Then he got his hand caught between two cars and it had to be cut off. After that he got a job in a cement plant that paid less, but it was still enough for us to get by on. Then he got a finger on his other hand caught in a machine and lost it. After that he could only get a job as a night watchman and could not make enough for us to keep up with our bills. I had never thought of it before, but it all came together to me when I was writing my previous comment to you that God was showing me, by my actually having to live through it, how important even a small loss of a part of the body is. The hand is not the most important part of the body, but it made the difference between a good life and a just getting by life. The loss of that one more finger, which is even a smaller body part made the difference between getting by and suffering from lack of necessary things. I have seen that many times God uses things that happen to us in life to instruct us about him and what he is doing and why he is doing it and what he wants us to do, etc. To me it shows his control over the creation. He allowed things to happen to me when I was young that were not pleasant to me at the time knowing that I would not understand them at that time, so I would go through the whole process of questioning his existence and searching for that answer. Then he showed me both sides of the argument and gave me the information that I needed to make the proper decision. Next he allowed me to read the scriptures and see that information already recorded in his scriptures over two thousand years earlier to finally convince me of his existence. Then he showed me why he created the universe and what my part is in it in the scriptures. One of the things he gives us to do while we are still in this world is to preach the Gospel to others. In the process of that preaching he shows me things that he has done in my life and what they were done for as noted above. All of these things and many more that he has done, show me God's power to work all of these things together over thousands of years and bring them all together at the right times to accomplish reaching out to me to give me knowledge of him and slowly bring me to him as that knowledge worked in me to allow me to see his love for me that he would do all of these things for me. Of course, I have seen these types of things worked in the lives of others also so, I can't claim that God's love is only for me, but is for all that seek him and truly desire to know him enough to take the time to search him out in the scriptures. There are also many things built into the structure of the creation and into each of our lives that also show us many things about him if we take the time to observe them. It shows God's great power in that he can work all of these kinds of things in the lives of each of us to teach us about him and what he has made us for and to demonstrate his love for us. It is true that God knows what we will ask him before we actually ask him, but at the same time he says ask and you shall receive. He desires to have a loving relationship with each of us and coming to him and asking things in prayer to him is just the beginning of that relationship. As that relationship grows and there is a real desire in us to truly know him and to be pleasing to him we begin to ask him to show us what he is doing and when he shows us we begin to act in accordance with what he is doing. The relationship progresses from asking him for things to please us to asking him to use us to please him as our love for him grows. The end result is him and us all working together as one, which is what a spirit and its body are meant to do. This world is the beginning preparation for that end result in the world to come. It will continue in the thousand year reign of Christ later in this world. Then we will be ready for the fullness of that relationship in the world to come. You are right that God does not need to worry about you or any of us for that matter, which to me all the more shows us his love for us in that he does worry and care for each of us even when we rebel or sin against him. He didn't wait for all of us to repent or turn away from sinning before he sent his son into the world to die for us so we could be saved and live. He did that when we were still sinning to show his love and caring for us. You must be extremely intelligent and in complete control of all of your actions to always figure out what you had to do and always do it. I have found that I often don't know what to do in many situations in life and need help to gain that knowledge. This meant that before I knew God I often did the wrong thing. I am not just talking about doing things that are wrong or evil in God's sight, although I sometimes did so, but I am also talking about making choices that resulted in things not giving me the results that I desired even in things that God does not say that what I did was wrong. Of course, before I had read the scriptures I did not even know whether the things that I did were against God's will for me to do or not. It sounds to me like you had some of the same kinds of results. There are a couple of things that I have observed both in myself and also in others concerning things working for us. When God first showed himself to me in the scriptures I went through a time when things did not go very well. I am not sure whether it was meant as a time of trial for me to see if I would continue with him or whether it was Satan tempting me to try to keep me from going to God (That happened to Jesus after he was baptized to begin his ministry), but If one continues with God this time passes. The next problem that I had was that after I had read the scriptures and knew God's will, I tried to do according to his will and not sin. Every time I thought that I had finally overcome sin, though, it seemed that I was tempted in some way and always failed and did the wrong thing. This was very frustrating to me until God gave me understanding of the places in the scriptures that say that God promises to come into me and dwell in me and make me perfect and raise up my mortal body to do his will. I found that the problem was that I had taken that on to do it myself, but it is not something that I can do myself. I have since found that God can do it though so, you are right that when we give up on the idea that we are going to do things and go with the flow of letting God show us what to do and then doing it with him doing it through us, things work much better and life is much easier and more pleasant also.
God has given each of us specific gifts of abilities and ways of looking at the world so, I have come to accept that I am sometimes limited in some ways compared to some others and also some others are sometimes limited compared to me. It is not that one is better than the other it is just that God has different things for each of us to do that, therefore, require different skills than others. I have always desired to know everything as completely as I can (my wife says that I always have to do everything the hard way), so I desire to understand both the network and the nodes. I have found that you really can't separate the nodes from the network because we live in a world of nested networks. The nodes are generally just composed of smaller level networks and the nodes in that smaller level network are usually just still smaller level networks, etc. As an example, in your example the nodes would be you, the horse, and the ground and the network would be the paths and the motions that are transferred from the ground to the horse and then to you over those paths due to the interactions involved. But if you look at one of the nodes, let's say yourself, you find that you are another network composed of nodes of various organs that are connected to each other over the various network paths in your body. If you look at one of those nodes such as your heart, you find that it again is a network of cells that are connected together over their network paths. Again, if you look at a cell which is a node in that network, you find that it is another network composed of nodes of small protein based machines and memory storage devices such as DNA, etc. networked together. There are still lower level networks with the lowest level being composed of basic motions, but I'm sure you get the idea. This hierarchical structure in which subassemblies often perform functions that are abstract to the overall function of the system are signs of an intelligent source of the structure. Man's devices often exhibit this type of structure. I don't ride horses very much, but if I did I would want to feel the motions of the particles in the ground transferred all the way up through all of those networks in the ground to the horse and through all of the networks in the horse to me and then through all of the networks in me to the place in me that gives me the feeling of it. That is when my mind is freed from the bubble when it is all there to see including all those things that can hurt and all of the paths to avoid them.
You are right that some television preacher's version of religion can't save you unless it is also God's version. I wouldn't buy the plastic Jesus. It can't save you and God doesn't like idol worship. It is always best to go to the source to get what you need to be saved and have life and have it more abundantly. I always, therefore, recommend going directly to the scriptures to get the information directly from God. God tells us that comparing ourselves among ourselves is unwise so, if we desire to compare ourselves with someone else it should be with God and compared to God we are all naïve and misinformed. Any small variations between any one of us and another one are, therefore, insignificant and unimportant. He does say though that in the world to come we will know even as we are known, so there is hope. God created evil and made us subject to it in this world so, we would learn just how bad and destructive it is and how dependent we are on him to make us to be able to do good and not evil. This is part of our instruction in this world to make us ready for the world to come. There will be no evil in the world to come because we will have learned to overcome it because God will live in us and we will live in him as one. The concept that there must always be both good and evil primarily comes from some eastern religions and is an error. The concept that when there are two opposite possibilities they must somehow both exist together in balance or shift back and forth between the extremes in cycles is not universally valid. As an example, there is matter and its opposite antimatter, but our world is composed of matter and we don't see it shifting back and forth between being composed of matter and antimatter either. I hope I can be of help to you in some small way in your preparation. As I mentioned above God has already used our conversation to give me an understanding of why I had to go through some unpleasant experiences when I was young. That kind of thing is not uncommon at least to me when sharing things concerning God with others. It is all part of the training experience.
Sincerely,
Paul B.