Your essay is a reasonable overview of the questions related to quantum gravity. My only disagreement might be with the issue of weirdness. Quantum mechanics, and I mean plain vanilla QM, is in many ways very weird. Quantum gravity is likely to have a lot of very strange features.
I suspect we may never come up with a completely fundamental quantum gravity that is not on some level an EFT. The Planck length is the shortest length that a quantum bit may be identified, at least in principle. We may be able to arrive at a reasonable quantum gravity close to the Planck scale. The reason for this is that quantum gravity may have close identification with the quantum measurement problem.
Quantum measurement ultimately involves a set of quantum states that encode the quantum states of a system. The occurrence of a classical stable state in the outcome of decoherence is something quantum mechanics is not able to compute. It may be that this process is a form of Godel loop or self-referential system of states encoding states. This then leads to the problem in mathematics of propositions that are true but unprovable. For quantum mechanics it might similarly mean there exist states, such as classically stable states and observed measurements, that are true but not provable by quantum mechanical "computers."
The issues with quantum information and black holes may ultimately reflect something similar. I suspect it could be that quantum gravity as a fundamental theory is not derivable or computable in any formal way.
I offer in my essay what I suspect is an effective theory, and in fact make various approximations, that might result in measurable outcomes in gravitational wave experiments. What is fundamental in the end is just what your feet stand on at the lowest level at the time.
Cheers LC