"Epicycles are a very useful comparison to spacetime ..."
No they aren't.
"... since both are mathematically effective and dependent on some metaphysical mechanism."
Spacetime isn't metaphysics.
'It holds up to experiment.'
"Only those experiments which correspond to the model."
If you ever learn what "model" means, and I've explained it several times, then you will know that *no* model corresponds to an experiment not done.
"I've yet to see the experiment where the cup pulls itself back together and jumps up on the table."
So what? That has nothing to do with spacetime as a physically real phenomenon.